I’m a daughter of Kabul, Afghanistan, and my city is 3500 years old. That’s about 3100 years older than New York City. So, you can imagine that my mother tongue, Farsi, holds a lot of wisdom. It’s ancient and carries a lot of information about how people lived pre-colonially. How people lived when we were afforded consciousness, community care, and compassion. For example, we don’t have she/her or he/him in our language, we only have they/them.
As a Farsi speaker, I’ve often been told here in the West--“You’re so wise”. But I can’t take credit for this wisdom because it’s deeply embedded in my language, and in the ways that my tribe, my people, my family, have shown up to teach me. And we don’t share intellect through facts alone, but through folktale, ritual, poetry and song.
I was recently at an event where Nikole Hannah-Jones said “English is an impoverished language” and I immediately felt an a-ha moment. Because oftentimes, it makes me sad that this is the language we all have to connect in–not only because it’s a young language created by the white man, but because I feel like it naturally doesn’t carry values that make us stronger.
Here in the West, in the English language–we aren’t teaching our kids morals, we’re teaching them manners. And we’re not teaching them how to be kind, we’re teaching them how to be nice. Instead of teaching kids how to be trustworthy, we teach them not to trust anyone. And instead of teaching kids how to share, we teach them how to collect. In fact, I find that the things we teach our kids are often baseless and destructive.
I hope to use this container of language and the shortcomings of English, in an attempt not to shit on the language, but to illustrate how key it is in shaping how we view the world. And I’m going to deep dive on one word that is so prolific, but perfectly captures the baselessness I am referencing. It’s a good word, so this may come as a surprise. But the word is happiness. Not happiness as an emotion, but happiness as an end goal. Is it possible that chasing happiness will leave us more unhappy?
Part 1: How did we get here? Why do we need to be so happy all the time?
Firstly, who reading this wants to be happy? I imagine that if we were in a room together, many hands would shoot up. And that’s fair—happiness is a beautiful emotion. But it’s no different than sadness, it just feels better. Yet how many of us grow up being told “Don’t worry, be happy.”?
I mean it’s literally written into the constitution. The 14th amendment says: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” So we believe in this promise. We then trek through our lives, trying to reach this “happiness” destination point, almost as though it’s the point of life. But we all know, happiness comes and happiness goes.
Whether it’s intuitively or from experience, we know that there are no material possessions, relationships, or experiences that will keep us in this state forever. And still everyday, we’re bombarded with messages like: “If you do the work, you’ll be happy. If you get money, you’ll be happy. If you get this girl, you’ll be happy. If you have a man, you’ll be happy. If your body looks this way, you’ll be happy. If you travel, you’ll be happy.” The list doesn’t end. So if we know that happiness is fleeting and there’s never enough of it, are we actually setting ourselves up for success by chasing it–and further promoting the chase of it?
Everyday, we’re seduced by concepts like money, fame, and happiness. How responsible is it to constantly be told to chase something that isn’t long-lasting? And further, what would we even chase–if it’s not happiness? Is it that we don’t know what else to chase? Or is it that we aren’t being raised in reality? Happiness is a lazy goal. So what’s an alternative to strive for?
Part 2: An intro to steadiness, my antidote to happiness.
Imagine raising children and telling them to only chase the highs–and further–repress the lows, keep it to yourself, don’t share it with others. The reality of life is that there are highs, and there are lows. What good does “Just be happy” do for us? Now, imagine we change that language to “Stay steady.” I’d like to introduce a new goal for us, a communal and individual goal, and that is steadiness.
What do I mean when I say steadiness? Steadiness is a state of emotional equilibrium, where we are not necessarily experiencing extreme highs or lows–but rather a consistent sense of contentment and peace. It may not be as glamorous as happiness, but it is more sustainable and it’s also achievable. And it doesn’t mean you can’t feel happiness when it comes. It just means that you don’t bank on it. Unlike happiness, which is often dependent on external circumstances, steadiness is an internal state. And how we cultivate it is through our own habits and practices.
Because promises of happiness are dangerous. Why? Most of us don’t view chasing happiness as a problem. But happiness is often hand in hand/best friends/lovers with pressure and anxiety. If we are not happy, we feel like we are failing. We constantly need to strive for something better, something more, and “don’t worry, be happy” doesn’t cut it. This mentality is exhausting and ultimately unsustainable. Fortunately, there is a way out.
Part 3: Analogies that help me stay true to steadiness.
I’m going to share story that I heard as a little girl, which I like using as a metaphor of steadiness. As I’m translating from an ancient language, I ask that you bear with me.
There’s a man who owns a boat. Better yet, a yacht. One day, a huge storm hits. He receives a phone call, where the person on the other end of the line informs him, “Your boat has been wrecked in the storm. We’re so sorry to give you this news.”
This man is silent at first and then replies, “Okay”. He calmly hangs up the phone. Surrendered to the news.
About ten minutes later, his phone rings again. “Hello?”
Now he hears, “We’re so sorry, our mistake! It wasn’t your boat that was wrecked by the storm—your boat is completely okay.”
Again, the boat owner responds–“Okay” and gets off the phone.
This isn’t just a story about being non-reactive. This is a story about being steady in the face of highs and lows.
I’m going to share another one that feels a little different. I heard this recently, but it proves the same point.
There’s a man who buys a horse. People in his town say, “Wow this is so incredible, you have this beautiful horse!” And he says, “We’ll see.”
One day, his son gets on this beautiful horse–and then he gets thrown off of it. He breaks his leg. Now, the people in town say, “Wow this is horrible! Look what this horse has done.” And the father says, “We’ll see.”
The war starts and the people in town say, “How incredible that your son doesn’t have to be sent to war!” And again he says, “We’ll see.”
Both stories illustrate what Buddhists might call spiritual detachment. How powerful and peaceful would we be, if we could be this steady?
Part 4: Rituals we can all adopt to cultivate steadiness.
Happiness is a small way to live life. Happiness is a cycle of desire, of constant want and need. The more we indulge in it, the more we need it. And then suddenly, we’re so deep in this cycle that we lose sight of what really matters in life. The cycle feels unescapable, and leads us down some dangerous, self-destructive paths. And worse, it robs us of joy. We already know that we are overstimulated people. So how do we find contentment in simple pleasures of daily life, instead of engaging in a constant cycle of seeking new experiences and stimuli to keep us happy? Choosing balance and moderation is one way to live large.
Viewing life through joy and contentment is another way to live large. Moderation is something often preached about with things like diet, but not in regards to emotions. We get really really excited about things, and we get really really upset about things–and it’s actually considered entirely normal. It’s almost seen as being a “full” person living the “full” spectrum of humanity. The truth is when we prescribe this extreme behavior and call it “fullness”, we ignore the importance of stability and consistency. We focus so much on achieving this temporary state of elation, that we neglect the importance of daily routines and habits that can actually lead to long-term satisfaction.
To be fair, I’m telling you this as someone who used to proudly describe herself as a “0 or 100 person”. Not 0 to 100 like Drake, but 0 or 100. I’d actually brag, “Oh I’m super chill until you take me there, then I’ll go all the way up”. It’s a pretty egotistical thing to be proud of not having control over yourself. In recent years, I’ve focused more on learning what that middle ground can look and feel like.
So, how do I relieve myself of this pressure to be happy and actually find a sense of peace in the present moment? How do I cultivate steadiness in my life?
There are four tools I use daily:
Gratitude
There’s a reason advice columns prescribe exercise, meditation, and keeping a gratitude journal. Gratitude literally rewires your brain, grounds you, and energetically helps you receive more. Gratitude is a powerful tool for cultivating a sense of appreciation for what we have, rather than what we lack. By letting go of scarcity, we train ourselves to focus on what we have–and be thankful for it.
Routines
Starting a new routine can feel like hiking up a mountain with no training. But it’s an essential part of steadiness. Consistent routine provides a sense of structure and stability. It can bring joy and fulfillment that isn’t dependent on external circumstances.
Mindfulness
This one is tricky because I know it can be dangerous to preach mindfulness without being able to hold people through what can come up in our bodies once you begin practice, so I encourage everyone to work within community care or, where possible, with a practitioner on this one. Mindfulness is about being fully engaged in the current moment. It can start with actually paying attention to when you’re present–and when you’re not. And it’s a muscle so if you can practice being present in your moment for only three minutes today, that’s an incredible start.
Self-care
Practicing self-care is essential for maintaining a sense of balance in our lives. This can be activities like taking a shower, exercise, spending time in nature, or making time for creative hobbies that bring you joy. If you’re wondering where to start, I encourage you to look back to your childhood and reflect on things that little kid enjoyed doing. It can inform a lot about you today, even if you can’t immediately relate to that kid anymore.
I’m going to make the assumption that we’re all working to attain a sustainable, healthy, fulfilling life. Focusing on steadiness instead of happiness is only one step of it but it’s a mind shift that can be life changing. It’s part of our unlearning, our cleansing, our releasing. And it’s more rewarding in the long run, even if it doesn’t have immediate gratification tied to it. Thank you for stepping into my culture and sharing in my language. I hope this reorientation serves you as much as it has me.
Thank for this. For identifying something so overpowering and presenting a solution. I’m grateful I came across this piece today.