Modern Arranged Marriage

May you leave your husband's home in a coffin; blessings from my mother.

With Indian Matchmaker on Netflix being a hot topic in the West, as it brings representation to other dating cultures, I thought—what a great time to share the story behind my first marriage. Upon reflection, I realize it’s what we would call a modern arranged marriage. It wasn’t traditional enough where there was a matchmaker involved and I had no say in the matter, but there definitely was an auntie behind the scenes and many protocol that my ex-husband obeyed to get to me. 

It all happened when I was twenty-two years old, which culturally is prime time for a woman to get married. I’ve finished my schooling, I’ve started my career, and now it’s time to find a husband and pop out babies. Right? Well, I half-assed this mission and ended up divorced by the age of twenty-five, and called a whore for ruining my family’s reputation by people in my extended family. Many people who know me today are shocked when they learn how traditionally I was raised or the parts of my culture that I have embraced. They say: “but you’re so liberal” and “you’re someone who chases their dreams” and “it’s unaligned to your personality”. Well let me make clear that these things are not mutually exclusive, and sometimes cultural narratives run deeper than the very own visions you have for your life. 

On my wedding day, my mother said to me, “May you leave your husband’s home in a coffin.”

This may sound like a curse to you but this was her giving me her blessing. Translating anything into English takes away sentiment from the original language it’s said in. What she was hoping for, was that he and I lived devotedly in our marriage for the rest of our lives. Afghan women, bred to be loyal, subservient and resilient, are considered honorable when married and dishonorable when divorced. She would never want me to be without my honor, which means she would never want me to be without my husband. 

I was engaged within two weeks of meeting him and married within six months of that day. He brought my mother flowers before he brought me flowers, which is still a slick move in my books. We had our first date after our parents met, and on that very date—he proposed. I said yes of course because this was the story I had been fed my entire life. A man will ask for you, and you get the opportunity to say yes or no. He was tall, smart and handsome, and I was “ready” for the next step in my life. That step, might I add, would also be the only route for me to leave my parents house and gain my freedom. I’ll leave it to you to decide what my subconscious was actually desiring. 

Throughout the engagement, there were many red flags. Because of the shame that comes from, well anything as a woman in my culture, I would have moments where I swore to myself: I will get married and divorced before I call off this engagement. I wasn’t raised to listen to my intuition, nor was I encouraged to get to know someone deeply before making decisions of this large scale. What I was raised to do was honor my family, my reputation, worry about what others thought about me, feel ashamed if I experience anything the Quran forbid, and lastly, keep my mouth shut. It sounds highly oppressive, and it is, but truthfully it’s the reality of many women even today in 2020. We’ve been raised to abandon our instincts and put men on pedestals. 

Twenty-two year old Yelda felt worthy being chosen. She felt empowered in her decision to pack her bags and move to another country for a man she hardly knew. She believed in love and she had seen this formula work for many women before her. And most significantly, twenty-two Yelda learned how to choose a man before she learned how to choose herself. It’s severely damaging and there are millions of young girls today that will follow in these steps and be rewarded when they listen to others and shamed when they listen to themselves. So to these girls I say, my blessing to you sounds like: May you never leave yourself. May you build your dreams and your own home. May you focus on living your life and not on the coffin.