In-Tuition

The cost you pay when you don't listen to your gut.

Can you imagine taking twelfth grade chemistry ten times because you didn’t pay attention to the teacher? That’s how I feel about my journey with intuition, and it’s been a very costly one. From boundaries to safety to relationships, I have failed Intuition class an endless amount of times. The most insulting part is that, in this class, I am both the teacher and student. Shouldn’t that make the lesson even more clear? Well it hasn’t, because I haven’t always been able to tell the difference between the intuitive teacher and the anxious student. 

Let me paint a scene for you. I’m in a luxury nightclub in London on December 2017 and an American rapper is hosting so you know the hype-beasts are out. Outside, there are line ups of women shivering in tiny, plastic dresses and men fighting to be let in so they can prove their worth by how many bottles they can buy. I’m in a big fur coat, baseball cap and running shoes. I’m truthfully not even interested in being here but it’s an acquaintances birthday and I’m in town so I should stop by right? As a DJ, the club has been like a second home and I’ve never felt uneasy in these environments, until this notable evening that caused me more trauma than I could have ever predicted. Upon entering, the teacher inside of me starts lecturing immediately. 

“I don’t feel right here,” says the teacher. 

“Really? What if that feeling goes away?” replies the student. 

“I don’t like the energy.” 

“Can you calm down? You’re so anxious” 

“I don’t feel safe with these people.” 

“Why can’t you just enjoy yourself?” 

“I want to leave.” 

“Can we just chill for a few more minutes?” 

This is my inner dialogue leading up to a moment that would go on to forever change the way I listened to my inner guidance.

I was physically assaulted by security that night, and everybody stood by to watch. Witnesses went on to tell me “Your tone was aggressive innit.” How it unraveled, was that this man came from behind me and grabbed my wrists to move me out of the way. As someone who has experienced physical abuse and lack of safety at the hands of men, yes my tone got fucking aggressive. Don’t touch me. I am triggered. I see red. All five feet and one hundred pounds that I am, turns into an immovable mountain. This man couldn’t have imagined the strength in this tiny woman, and I end up with a fractured wrist and bruises all over my body from the force that he uses with me. 

I believe the future is stored in us. I knew I felt unsafe, but I couldn’t tell you why. Old-Yelda would wait to find out what that feeling is about, but now-Yelda doesn’t wait for proof. I don’t need a reason, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to explain it, I simply move how I feel is right for me. Intuition isn’t just about listening to that inner voice, it’s about trusting it. Now, as someone who suffers from anxiety, I’ve been able to put together some cheat sheet that I look at when I’m taking the test (because we never stop taking the test). 

1) Anxiety is a constant questioning. Intuition is a present knowing. 

2) Anxiety feels tight and constricting. Intuition feels calming and assuring. 

3) Anxiety sounds irrational. Intuition sounds logical. 

4) Anxiety needs external reassurance. Intuition is an internal understanding. 

How many of us take information that we learn in school or in the news or on social media and pass it along to others as fact but can’t treat our intuition with the same respect? How many of us trust our favorite author more than we do our inner teacher? How many of us post about energy but can’t follow the energy? If it feels off, it’s off friend. When you fact-check your intuition, you’ll learn that it’s the most reliable source of knowledge.